In my veins
by NightlyEvilTM
Summary: She never thought she'd end up here, but she did and she is... content. But one phone call changes everything. Post finale.
1. Him

A.N. Please, while reading this chapter be careful to pay attention on how the words 'HE' and 'HIM' are written, because it does matter if it's _he_ or **he**, _him_ or **him.**

* * *

_Nothing goes as planned_

_Everything will break_

_People say goodbye_

_In their own special way_

_All that you rely on_

_And all that you can fake_

_Will leave you in the morning_

_But find you in the day_

* * *

That night she had the house for herself since she moved in 1 year ago. So she decided to pamper herself – bubble bath, nice meal, and then a drink with some music in the living room. She was now, 14 years later, sitting on that same couch they had sat on back when they had dropped the bomb. Who would've thought?

She never thought life would turn that way – her life, her friends' lives… Everything.

She never thought she'd get married. Sure, she buried that locket to be her 'something old' one day, but she never believed that day would come. Not really. In the end, she had said 'yes' three times to three different men, got married twice.

She never thought she'd even consider having kids. Then she found out she was infertile and then, when children weren't an option anymore, she found herself picturing them: a boy with his dad's blonde hair and bright smile and always present suit, and a girl with her mom's long wavy brown hair and slender figure. On top of that, after she had finally made peace with never having kids, she found herself ready to give up everything to be the mother of a certain beautiful baby girl. Then she became the definitely-not-evil stepmother of two teenagers.

She never thought she'd end up here. Married to _him_, living in _this_ house. Most of her life she thought she'd end up alone. Then at some point she did think she wanted to end up with _him_ – but then of course she realized it was a mistake. Then she thought she'd end up with **him**. Actually, she was sure about that, despite the fears and insecurities she had at some points. Then they fell apart and she felt her whole life was falling apart. And it was. After that of course she started thinking of _him_ again, longing for him, because _he_ had always been there for her in all those years, because _he_ had always loved her, because _he_ was making her feel safe. But _he_ by then had found the perfect girl and had an amazing daughter. So she gave up on the idea of_ him_. She watched _him_ get married and she realized she was so happy for _him_ and also – she was absolutely free of _him_. And then **his** eyes met hers and she was back to seven years ago on that rooftop while **he** was holding her. But soon her hopes were ripped apart again and she was sure she was going to end up alone. And then, 18 months ago, after years of solitude, work, tragedies, getting dogs again, _he_ showed up holding that amazing, stupid, romantic, idiot thing, smiling at her, wearing the same clothes as that first night. And she laughed. Because it was just so surprising, so silly, so romantic, so _him_. And she loved _him_ for that. She did. Maybe not in the right way, but she did _love him_, and she knew it was now ok to do this. With _him_. The rest happened as expected – taking it slow at first, then moving in, proposal, wedding and the married life.

It was not what she expected but she was content.

The sound of her ringtone was what took her from the trance of her own thoughts.

"Hello."

"Hey, Robin."


	2. But I always will

**AN. Here is chapter 2. I gotta warn you - this ain't gonna be some happy story. It is gonna be sad, tragic and full of angst and love. So it is up to you if you decide to stay with me. I was listtening to the somg "Poison and Wine" by The Civil Wars while writing this, so I strongly recomend it while reading this. **

* * *

_I don't love you_

_But I always will_

* * *

"Hey, Robin."

To say Robin was surprised to hear his voice would be an understatement. Barney was calling her late at night, after probably years of no phone call, after no talk between the two of them that lasted longer than 30 seconds in what seemed like eternity?! Something had to be seriously wrong.

"Barney… Is everything ok?"

For a few seconds he stayed silent. She could almost sense him troubling over what to say.

"Robin, can you come over? Please… I have to talk to you."

She knew she was supposed to say 'no', or at least think twice about it. She knew it she was supposed to, but instead, she said:

"I will be there in a few minutes."

Because it was him – it was Barney, and when it came to him she didn't give a damn what she was supposed to do.

* * *

Robin stood in front of the door of his apartment that was once theirs. Her heart skipped a beat remembering all those moments they shared there, but she shook the feeling and knocked on the door. In just a few seconds Barney opened, his face so blanc Robin shivered.

"Thank you so much for coming. I know it's late, and I bet Ted is mad, but…"

"Barney, can we just get inside and talk?"

He moved so that she could walk in and Robin took a look at the 'Fortress of Barnitude' as he used to call it. She couldn't believe how much it had changed. Well, she had seen some changes back in 2020, but now, it was different. Now, there were stuffed toys, there were photos on the fridge and in the shelves. And the painful part was that it was a good change. But she knew she couldn't think about that, she had to find out what was wrong. So she sat there. He poured them both scotch without even asking her. On the rocks, with just the right amount of ice – he still remembered.

"Barney, please, tell me what is it. You are scaring me."

He took one last look at his glass, sighed and then looked her in the eyes.

"Robin, on our wedding day almost 20 years ago, I vowed to always be honest with you. Since then a lot has happened, and I know we have been divorced for such a long time. Hell, now you are married to my best friend. But that vow I made – to me, it is forever. It doesn't matter if we are married or not, if we talk every day or once in a few years – I will always be honest with you. And that is the reason I called you."

Robin was fighting back the tears. It was just too much, to hear all those words, to know that vow still meant something to Barney after everything. Because it still meant the world to her.

"I just flew back from Minnesota – that's actually why Ellie is with James and Tom tonight. I went to meet with a doctor in the Mayo Clinic."

"Wait, Barney, why would you go to Minnesota to see a doctor? There are plenty of fine hospitals and doctors here in New York. And why did you need a doctor in the first place?"

"I went there to get a second opinion. And I got references from my doctor here."

"Second opinion? Barney, what is going on? Why would you double check? Oh my God, is it Ellie?"

"No, thank God, it is not her. It's me. I'm dying, Robin."

After that he started telling her some details and some medical stuff which she didn't hear, it all blurred out. The words that kept spinning in her mind were 'I'm dying' – repeating again and again and again in her mind like a mantra. Then she realized what they meant – Barney Stinson was dying. At that moment she just pulled him into a tight hug, let the tears flow and whispered:

"You can't die on me! You can't leave me, Barney! You just can't!"

He hugged her back just as tight, and she could feel him shaking too.

"I wish I could, Robin."

She pulled away and looked into his eyes. She could still read him like a book. She could see him was scared and angry and sad.

"Are they sure, Barney? I mean, it's 2032. Medicine is improving every second…"

"And yet, it is not advanced enough to help stage IV melanoma that has spread to stomach, liver and kidneys. I saw the two top oncologists in the country. They are giving me 4 decent months or 8 to 10 crappy months if I do chemo. I obviously prefer the 4 good months."

"NO! Barney, you have to try! Maybe you will react better to the chemo, or maybe they will find something else in those 10 months! Think about Ellie, Barney!"

"I am thinking about her, Robin! I am thinking only of her! And I don't want her to spend months in hospital visits to a dad who is too weak to even hug her and her last memories of me to be associated with tubes all over my body. I want her to remember me playing with her, taking her to the zoo, holding her as she sleeps. Chemo or not, I am gonna leave her parentless. I just want her to have _**me**_ those last months, not some weak copy of me that can't even eat by himself."

At this point Robin could see the tears sparkling in his eyes too but Barney, the stubborn man he was, refused to let them fall.

"I want this to be my last gift to her, Robin. I am so pissed and so afraid. Not for me, for her. She doesn't have her mother, I had to raise her on my own. And as screwed up as I am, Ellie at least knew I would always be there. But now I am gonna leave her too. So hate me if you want, but I at least want her to have those last good memories instead of watching my prolonged agony."

"But what if they find something soon? What if you miss a chance of having not 4 months, but years ahead, Barney? You have to try! You have to! For Ellie, for yourself, for our friends! Hell, you have to try for me, Barney!"

"Robin…"

"No! Listen to me, Barney – years ago, we both gave up without trying, really trying. And I regret that every day of my life ever since. But this time, you can't give up. Because I can live with hardly being in your life, but I can't live without you in this world. I just can't."

Barney was looking at her silently, stunned by the words she had said, the way she said them. From her heart. Because now she realized she had no time and she had to stop pretending. She had worn a mask for the last 16 years, it was enough.

"I know I was the one that decided to go away and be distant. I know I am the one that got remarried. And I have no right to say those things, Barney, but… I can't think. Right now I can just feel and finally be honest with myself and with you. And the truth is that I always regret not fighting harder. And I always miss you. And I can't imagine a world where you don't exist, Barney. That world… It won't be my world, Barney! So I need you to promise me you will fight as hard as you can. I know I am just your ex – wife, but I hope I still matter to you. But if I don't, think about all the other people in your life. Think about Lily, Marshall, the kids! Ted – he lost his wife and now his best friend?! And James – first your mom, now you? And what about Ellie, Barney? You are not just a dad to her, you are her whole world – you are a father, a protector, a best friend. Please, Barney, I am begging you – do not give up, please…"

She was crying and shaking, her voice went from high to a barely audible whisper as her strength was leaving her with every word. Because the mere though of him leaving her in 4 short months was… exhausting, unbearable…

Barney put his hand on her cheek and turned her face to him. He smiled a little and said:

"You will never be just an ex-wife, Robin."

Then she kissed him. And it was like she had never stopped kissing him – their moves still moved perfectly together, it still had that same warmth and passion. And yet it felt like a first kiss in over a million years. After it ended (way too soon) Barney rested his forehead against hers.

"Robin, we can't. I love Ted, and so do you. And he is your husband."

She looked at him, screaming at him with her eyes that she didn't care, that in her heart she had only one husband in those almost 20 years. But she just said:

"Can we just go to sleep?"

He nodded, stood up, offered her his hand and led her to what used to be the room Robin though she'd go to sleep and wake up in till the day she would die. Then he laid her to the bed and laid next to her, holding her close to him.


	3. How is my heart suppose dto beat

_How is my heart suppose to beat__  
__How am i going to make it through__  
__How is my heart suppose to beat__  
__Without you_

* * *

Robin woke up and looked at Barney. This had always been one of her favorite things in the world – watching him sleep. He looked so peaceful, so vulnerable, so fragile. Even back in his womanizing days, Barney's true inner self showed when he was asleep. She noticed the changes in his face since the last time they had shared a bed. His hair was a little bit longer and even fairer than before. There were some wrinkles here and there. But he was still her Barney. The same man whom she once thought she would spend her life with.

She felt him stir a little as he was waking up. He opened his eyes and uttered 'Good morning' with the little smile he used only when he was waking up. God, how she had missed it!

For a little while they just looked at each other, his hand still on her waist. Then Robin's phone rang and suddenly they were reminded that there was a whole world outside of that bed. And when Robin saw the name on the phone screen reality hit her hard.

"Hi!"

"Hey, honey! I called at home but you didn't pick up so I decided to try your cell. Where are you?"

She looked over at the now serious face of Barney and sighed.

"I'm at Barney's, Ted."

She could almost feel her husband's tension over the phone, feel his insecurities taking him over.

"At 8 AM? What are you doing there?"

"Look, I promise you we'll talk when you come back home, ok? But right now I really can't. Please, Ted, bear with me."

He stayed silent for some time, and then he sighed deeply.

"Robin, you do know I love you very much, right?"

"I do, Ted, of course I do. Tell Penny and Luke I said hi, okay?"

"Okay. We're coming home Sunday evening. But please, call me later today, ok?"

"Sure. Bye, Ted."

She hung up with a heavy heart. She knew she was hurting him. She knew how insecure he still was when it came down to Barney and her history with him; she knew how dependent her current husband was on her. But there was nothing she could've done, was there?

"You should go home, call him and assure him he has nothing to worry about."

Barney's voice was even, cold and somehow bitter. He was hurting, she could tell.

"No, Barney, I am not going anywhere. You and me are now going to get breakfast, you are gonna tell me everything and then we will talk about what this all means. Yes, I know the two of us have never been the talking, touchy-feely type, but damn it, we will talk now. And I am staying with you as long as possible."

"Robin, Ted is your husband and he…"

"Doesn't have a say in this. Neither do you. I am not leaving you."

At that moment he looked at her and his eyes were so intense she could barely breathe. It was like his eyes pierced through her and went right through her heart. But even that wasn't going to make her bend. And he knew it, to be honest. So he just sat up and asked her if she wanted cereal or pancakes.

They made breakfast and ate in silence. And then they finally talked. He told her that after his mother's death he had been crushed and terrified. He thought about the fact that Ellie only had him in the world and about what would happen to her if something was to happen to him. So he decided to take better care of himself. He went to see his doctor for what he thought would be only routine check – up. But the doctor found a suspicious mole and sent him for scans, tests, the whole 9 yards. Barney explained how surprised he was because he expected to get perhaps a vitamin prescription, but instead he ended up being sent to the best oncologist in New York.

"When I saw the way that man looked at my results and scans, I just knew, you know? I knew I was dying. But still, when I heard him say it, I said I needed to be sure. He recommended another oncologist in Minnesota. So I went to Mayo. And the doctor there had the very same look. With the same apologetic face he told me that this type of cancer is extremely aggressive and that it had already spread too far, that surgery is too high of a risk to take with very small chances of any positive result, that chemo will only give me a few more months. And I just laughed. He looked at me like he thought I was crazy. I probably really looked nuts, to be honest – they had just told me I have less than 6 months to live and there I sat, laughing hysterically. Because it was freaking ironic. When there was no real point of my existence on this Earth, because all I was doing was banging bimbos, lying and not carrying about anything, I was as healthy as a stud, despite the sleepless nights, the cigars, the alcohol, the reckless one night stands. And now when I have finally done something great in this world with creating and raising Ellie, when I have finally changed for real, when I drink a tiny glass of scotch 2-3 times a year, when I don't smoke, when I eat healthy, when I have a beautiful, amazing daughter to look after, a daughter who has no one else – now I am dying. So I laughed and laughed. But when I got on that plane back to New York and I saw a young engaged couple and the girl said 'I just wish my dad could walk me down the aisle, the wedding just won't be perfect without him' I realized I am leaving Ellie an orphan. She has no mother, she just lost her grandmother and now she is going to lose me and she is left all alone in this world. Sure, there is James, but he and Tom have their own life, their own kids, and Ellie, as much as they adore her, is their niece, not their daughter. They are her cool uncles. But a girl needs her parents. She needs her dad. And now, I will leave her an orphan. And I hate myself for that."

By the end his voice was shaking and Robin could tell this was wrecking him completely. And it made her own her heart break even more. So she made no effort to stop the tears.

"Barney, it is not your fault."

"I know that, Robin. I do. But I hate myself never less – for leaving her orphan, for not going to be there when she needs me. And… I am scared, Scherbatsky."

"What of?" she asked him softly.

"What comes after – whether there actually is something after, if there is, what it is. I know it is stupid but…"

"It isn't stupid, Barney. It's natural. But… It's too early! It's too damn early for you to have to think about this! Barney, you have to see another doctor, you have to do chemo…"

He put his hands on her face to interrupt her, looked in her teary eyes and smiled slightly.

"You have to accept it, Robin."

"What if I don't want to, Barney? What if I can't?"

"Robin, you are married to Ted."

"Don't make this about Ted…"

"But it is, Robin! After so many years, the two of you ended up together. You both went through hell – breaking up, him dating the wrong one again and again, you being disappointer or hurt so many times, him pinning for you for years, us being on-again off-again in that time, then us getting married, Ted meeting Tracy, then we getting divorced and him losing the mother of kids, his wife… And after all that crap, you two got together again and you built a life. And that does matter, Robin."

"I am not saying it doesn't, Barney! But don't say what is happening to you doesn't concern me, Barney. Because divorced or not, me married to Ted or not, you are still YOU and I am still ME!"

"Yes, but it doesn't mean we are US. We can't be!"

"Barney, please, drop it. Right now is about you. And I want you to fight, Stinson. Please."

"Robin…"

"No, please, hear me out. I do know why you've made that choice. I know you, Barney. I know that living a poor life for you is worse than not living. I know that you want Ellie to remember you smiling and strong instead of half-awake and tied to machines. I know that you don't want to burden those around you with seeing you so sick you don't seem like yourself."

"Then why are we having this conversation, Scherbatsky?" Barney asked raising his voice.

"Because I am selfish, Barney! Because I want each and every extra moment I can spend with you! Because your friends will want the same. Because your brother, your daughter will want the same. And because you owe it to all the people who care about you to try. If it doesn't work, it doesn't – at least you tried. But what if it does work?"

"It WON'T work, Robin! Not this time. It is too late. Don't you think I want to have hope? Damn right, I wish there was at least a glimpse of light in the end of the runnel. But there isn't Scherbatsky. And I owe it to Ellie, to my brother, to all of you, to myself, to at least go with dignity, and not peeing myself and having some of you change my diapers because I am too weak from puking to do it. Come on, Robin, you know me. You do realize what that kind of life will be for me, right? "

And she did. She knew that the moment someone would have had to take care of him in such a way, he'd already be dead. Because he was Barney Stinson. God, how much she hated him for those stuff! Almost as much as she loved him for those very same things.

"I… I don't know how I will live knowing you are gone. How I will go on in a world where you don't exist. How the gang will get together, knowing you are never gonna show up again. How I will go to sleep knowing I will only ever be seeing you in my dreams."

He sighed and tenderly wiped the tears from her cheeks. Then he pulled her in a hug and whispered in her year:

"You guys will still be as awesome as ever, maybe even more. You will miss me, but every time you get together it will be easier. At first you won't know how to talk about me, then you will start making jokes or saying 'Imagine what Barney would say if he was here'. It will get easier."

Robin slightly pulled away from his arms, looked him in the eyes, then laid her head on his shoulder.

"Maybe for them, Barney. But not for me. And you know it. And you also know why, you idiot."

"I love you too, Robin."


End file.
